ᨳଓ fan expo

this year i was lucky enough to be able to go to fan expo canada! i went on saturday, which, they were overselling tickets for.. but i wasn't too bothered (i said this knowing i was breaking down worried that i'd miss the train when the escalators broke.. ask samson..)

anyway it was a really fun, really walking-filled day stuffed inside some helmets! i went with samson, ethan, and edmund. felix and toby were meant to be there too, but they genuinely showed up 3 hours late.

me and samson wore our HELLDIVERS II signature helmets! ethan was Tenna from DELTARUNE, and edmund was Spider-Noir. i have some videos here!

we got to see some other helldivers and lots of cool cosplays! i'm blanking on this because it was like a week ago loolll i really need to write this more often..

videos i took! (its a google drive link)

ഒ·˚ equal or greater care

a lot of the time when i feel wronged, i want to wrong someone else of equal pain. which sucks, two wrongs don't make a right.

most frequently, i feel invisible. ignored. uncared for. like my presence is completely unnecessary and that no one seeks me out specifically. and these times only ever make me want to shut myself off completely; ignore them back. make them chase me for once. 

i have always been the one chasing. i am always at fault for whatever problems arise in my friendships at the base level: i chased them, our friendship was initiated by me. 

i don't remember the last time someone chose to befriend me first. if it's even happened at all. enough times to be called often, i have a friend who actively complains about being my friend. i spend my time around them, and as a joke (i think) they tell me they hate me and all sorts of things relating to not wanting me there. and i just sit there and take it, because they're my friend. 

and this happens all the time. if there isn't an active negative push from a friend, they simply just do not look for me. usually i'm okay with that. usually i look for them, and we have a good time. but god do i want to be the one to receive the invitation. i'm always making them.

it just keeps getting worse.

ִ ࣪𖤐

all alone at the edge of the world the world the world the world the world the world thw rodlr htet orld thte roldr ther otlred therowrld thwtoldr thowlrd thdlr thdrs thrwd trwrhdlghthltn lrengrlththetworldrhtlworldrtowlrdowrlwdorwlwdowlrwodwlrowdlwroldwrowrldworldworldwroldworlwdorwldowrl

*ੈ✩‧₊˚depression

TW: SA, mental health talk

big sad no no word for the title today.. i am sorry for not posting for a while. i'd been out a couple nights, just too unmotivated others.. but whatever

i'm not actually sure if my therapist has diagnosed me on paper or anything, but she's told me i scored very high on the depression tests they made me fill out when i signed up. 

I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL!!!!! do not quote me!!!!!!!

the way a person turns out is determined between by their life experiences, the people they spend their time with, and how they were raised. i am fortunate in the way i can understand that my experiences, the people who have hurt me, my surroundings in my home, etc, are not right. i have taught myself better. i've known others who are in similar shoes, obviously no two people are the same.

a lot of my life experiences have led me to doing things that harm me and do me no good, and i wish to change them but i struggle. one of my biggest hardships in this scenario is that i find it difficult to seek help and talk about my problems. 

my parents have pretty much always discarded or denied any concerns i've raised about myself, until i ran away from home. which, if they didn't get the memo then, i have no idea what would've done the job. 

my ex-boyfriend and rapist also discarded my struggles for his own. which, i don't even know how to describe the level of bullshit that was, because his problems were all based around me. ie: he thought i was going to cheat on him whenever i played a video game with ethan. or talked to him. or just kinda like did anything? it's a long story. maybe i'll share the details some other time.

i struggle with communication a lot, in many scenarios. i stutter and mix up my words/letters verbally (which my dad calls "verbal dyslexia"). i also oftentimes associate words with something incorrect while still being aware of the right meaning. quickest example i can think of is how often i mix up Arthur Morgan and Aston Martin. which is wild because i've never played Red Dead Redemption 2, and i watch Formula 1. i can't get my point across sometimes, especially when i'm trying to deal with conflict (either with another or with myself.) i've been trying to write this very post for days and struggling to get the words right. 
this usually feeds to the fire of arguments, especially when i'm disagreeing with my best friend jakob about something and i just can't describe what i'm defending. sorry, jakob. 

i find myself involuntarily shutting off so i can shut my emotions down and not have to feel whatever just hurt me. it isn't a good way to deal with things. i'm working on it. i want to be better, trust me. it's just an easy, temporary fix that i've grown used to. it hurts deeper than i can describe when i don't shut off. i think my therapist said people with ADHD feel things deeper, and she was trying to get me to get tested for that i think. the most recent example of when i haven't shut off and just, hurt, was what i was talking about in the 2nd block of text in my post about negative emotions. so i don't see it as fully bad, i guess.

anywho. i've already talked too much. i've signed up for bluesky recently if you want to follow me or chat with me at skykidkey.bsky.social

۶ৎ team games

maybe you can tell by now that i play a lot of video games, it's basically all i do in my free time. i'm a little embarrassed now of how much i play. whatever, i go outside and do other things and have friends. 

a game i play a lot is VALORANT, which myself and ethan are the co-leaders of our premier team, MISTOON#MST. i think you can look it up on tracker or something, if you're interested. but we have a team, and at times it's difficult to keep morale up. overall we're an absolute unit and work together really well.

we did a match today and (kinda) owned the other team, we won 13-3 and had good coordination. the only buffer was that sebby's computer froze and it randomized the agent he was playing, but he's got the aim to make up for it. 

i'm so tired, i'll write a better post some other time. i don't feel as inclined to write a full post today because my post views are dropping every time i post.

•⩊• bland days

it's summer, so more often than not i'll have nothing special to blog about. i'll definitely try, as long as i don't feel like a train wreck.

i like to think i play good video games. but i reinstalled Fortnite a couple days ago and have been playing with samson and ethan. it's been fun! it's been fun. but it's Fortnite. booooooo

there's a rhythm gamemode called "fortnite festival" or something, and i've been enjoying that but it's ruining my accuracy in my favourite rhythm game (Friday Night Funkin) and i gotta get back into the groove of that. 

other than this random blip in my taste in games, my favourite game is HELLDIVERS II. i also play Sky: Children of the Light, and VALORANT a lot. of course, i also play the big two "friendslop" games R.E.P.O. and PEAK. i love them...

anywho. not much again to talk about.

｡°(°¯᷄◠¯᷅°)°｡ negative emotions

those reading this probably already know i'm not a very happy person. i've recently started therapy for my depression, which is good.

as of late i've been stressed out about my friendships and an overwhelming feeling of solitude. i found out that four of my close(st) friends made plans without inviting me. not only that, they didn't tell me, and when prompted lied about it. for the sake of this blog being public, i won't name names. but one of them eventually told me about it and apologized for lying. which was nice, i appreciate that.

a different friend and their partner, whom i've been trying to make plans with (myself, samson, edmund, friend + partner.) they said "we should call to make these plans", and didn't call. didn't follow up. until they blamed me for not making the plans, as my parents have the hardest ruleset. which i guess makes sense, but they came at me with hostility for it and i was preemptively in a bad mood. so i cried. i do a lot of that.

anyway. i don't like talking about my emotions, so i'm cutting this one short. i've been very demotivated to write these.

𑣲⋆ parties

the title of this post is very misleading, and i'll explain why (what else would i do..?)
all day i've been playing party games with friends. that's it. i actually hate parties in the non-digital world, and dances. i've gone to a couple and it's not really been my thing.

i'm a homebody, you'd be able to tell just by looking at me. of course i'm saying this as if anyone reading doesn't already know who i am. that'd be pretty neat, though. if someday some random person across the world is reading this. hello to that person! 

there isn't much to talk about on these days other than my thoughts, 
AND YET SOMEHOW, THROUGH MY DAY OF DOING NOTHING, I FORGOT TO FINISH THIS POST! hahaah. i've lost my train of thought now! 

parties, they're loud and full of people--some i may not know--and i don't like that kind of environment. i'd stay at home and play board games or D&D with my friends over going out dancing and talking (which i'm terrible at) any day of the week. 

seriously these days are so quiet i feel like most of these posts will be lame. i wrote this yesterday (the 4th)
TBD if i'll make a new one for today (the 5th, but i assume you have common sense and knew that)

♡⸝⸝ movies

today i went to watch Spider-Man: Brand New Day with my boyfriend (his name is samson, i oughta state that for the future XD). i'm not gonna talk about it because, spoilers! this site always shows my latest post front and center so.. maybe later i'll yap. AMAZING movie though, 10/10.

i've never really been one to watch movies unless my dad took me, once i was old enough to just do my own thing i'd stopped watching and instead was mostly watching Markiplier. one thing i used to do like every year is watch Star Wars movies with him--i was a superfan.
bad news: my memory is horrible with all kinds of names and movie plots and now i know jack about Star Wars. from what i've heard about the more recent additions to the universe, i haven't missed much of anything good. but i'm also not very picky about movies.

anyway, until i started consciously making an effort to watch more movies in the last 3ish months, my favourites were The Princess Bride, and Artemis Fowl. i really don't remember much about Artemis Fowl other than the mechanical fairies. i'm super into mechanical shit like that.

nowadays, i have a more extensive list of movies that i can actually remember, so here's my top 5

1. Project Hail Mary (i am actively reading the book don't worry)
2. Pacific Rim
3. Masters of the Universe
4. Spider-Man: Brand New Day (i'm telling you, it was amazing!)
5. The Princess Bride (still :p)

an honourable mention: The Devil Wears Prada. i watched it right before the sequel came out, and am yet to watch the sequel, but damnn it was goooooood!

i like the culture of going to the theatre to watch movies, although the experience is rather uncomfortable for me at times, mostly because i don't like going out. also numerous times now the dude to my left has had their dogs out and was texting someone the whole time, but i'm pretty patient with that stuff. as much as i like staying inside and watching something on a streaming service in my pjs with my own snacks and as much space as i please, i really like going out with friends or on a date ;)

i'm sure if anyone's actually interested in the blog they'll wanna hear this, so my favourite movie snacks would be VERY buttery, salty popcorn accompanied by an unhealthy amount of brooksides for one sitting and a sweet drink. i usually opt for a mix of sprite and strawberry fruitopia. if the cinema i'm at has those fancy drink machines, i'll sift through and choose from that. they also have those machines at Canada's Wonderland, and i really liked the zero-sugar-strawberry-cream-soda (a mouthful.) or just some good ol' peace tea.

⋆˚꩜｡ friends

i mentioned briefly in my first post that i was inspired by my friend kali, who is doing this in a lot more effort-filled way than i am. props to her. 
along with myself and kali, our friends ben, alex, and sam have all also started a blog (you can find them on my homepage) and we've been discussing it together and featuring each other on our sites. it's a really silly nice fun thing. 

i figured i'd give a little introduction of them as well, along with a brief retelling of our pentafriendship, word by me.
so we all met online through a discord server.. i know.. i know.. go on, laugh... and we met about 4 years ago. there were a ton of people in there that didn't talk, but we did. it was a good time. at some point i left because of my incredible mental state. when i came back, ben had also left for 6? months? and then they made a new server, "Mostly Normal People". 
essentially the same server but rebranded. and then, i was invited to orth! i'm confident i'll make a post someday about orth, but in short, we made a new earth. that was just the 5 of us + a few of our friends who didn't contribute.
which brings us here, making blogs together and still talking through our high school days.

sam - switchyduck:
for a while near the beginning of the 4 years sam was my closest friend. she introduced me to my favourite music artist, and we just had a lot of fun talking and being friends ! 

kali - kaliicappy
i didn't really talk to kali for a while because i thought she didn't like me, but then i realized iwas silly for that and she's really super nice and knows a lot of cool tech things! 

ben - MrCondupee

ridiculously into politics. always super fun to talk to though, although he likes weezer :( 

alex - gootoony
we were married in roblox dress to impress. i think we got divorced several times? for a while he would join the discord call as soon as he saw i was in it. the fastest time was about 2 seconds, i believe. 

i also have a drawing i made of 4/5 of us all in this style i call "saviike". i didn't get to drawing kali :(
it's a really old drawing of us, i have better ones that i cannot seem to find. from left to right it's me, sam, alex, ben

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅ my first post

i've never really been one to do something like make a blog. sure, in the past i've journalled, but it's been odd and not something i could keep consistent. i've been super inspired to start this thanks to my friend kali, who did a buncha crazy things (like paying for a domain) to get theirs going. props to them, i'm broke.

an introduction is due. hi, i'm key, i doubt anyone who didn't already know that will be reading this, but that's who i am. i'm a student, artist, gamer, etc. i like music a lot as well. 

this first post is gonna be pretty short as i'm not very good at talking about who i am, but i will try to upload every day.