*ੈ✩‧₊˚depression

TW: SA, mental health talk

big sad no no word for the title today.. i am sorry for not posting for a while. i'd been out a couple nights, just too unmotivated others.. but whatever

i'm not actually sure if my therapist has diagnosed me on paper or anything, but she's told me i scored very high on the depression tests they made me fill out when i signed up. 

I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL!!!!! do not quote me!!!!!!!

the way a person turns out is determined between by their life experiences, the people they spend their time with, and how they were raised. i am fortunate in the way i can understand that my experiences, the people who have hurt me, my surroundings in my home, etc, are not right. i have taught myself better. i've known others who are in similar shoes, obviously no two people are the same.

a lot of my life experiences have led me to doing things that harm me and do me no good, and i wish to change them but i struggle. one of my biggest hardships in this scenario is that i find it difficult to seek help and talk about my problems. 

my parents have pretty much always discarded or denied any concerns i've raised about myself, until i ran away from home. which, if they didn't get the memo then, i have no idea what would've done the job. 

my ex-boyfriend and rapist also discarded my struggles for his own. which, i don't even know how to describe the level of bullshit that was, because his problems were all based around me. ie: he thought i was going to cheat on him whenever i played a video game with ethan. or talked to him. or just kinda like did anything? it's a long story. maybe i'll share the details some other time.

i struggle with communication a lot, in many scenarios. i stutter and mix up my words/letters verbally (which my dad calls "verbal dyslexia"). i also oftentimes associate words with something incorrect while still being aware of the right meaning. quickest example i can think of is how often i mix up Arthur Morgan and Aston Martin. which is wild because i've never played Red Dead Redemption 2, and i watch Formula 1. i can't get my point across sometimes, especially when i'm trying to deal with conflict (either with another or with myself.) i've been trying to write this very post for days and struggling to get the words right. 
this usually feeds to the fire of arguments, especially when i'm disagreeing with my best friend jakob about something and i just can't describe what i'm defending. sorry, jakob. 

i find myself involuntarily shutting off so i can shut my emotions down and not have to feel whatever just hurt me. it isn't a good way to deal with things. i'm working on it. i want to be better, trust me. it's just an easy, temporary fix that i've grown used to. it hurts deeper than i can describe when i don't shut off. i think my therapist said people with ADHD feel things deeper, and she was trying to get me to get tested for that i think. the most recent example of when i haven't shut off and just, hurt, was what i was talking about in the 2nd block of text in my post about negative emotions. so i don't see it as fully bad, i guess.

anywho. i've already talked too much. i've signed up for bluesky recently if you want to follow me or chat with me at skykidkey.bsky.social

clip of the day:
conveniently an example of me stuttering. i've only grown to laugh when i do it because of friends, if i laugh first it won't feel like they're making fun of me.