a lot of the time when i feel wronged, i want to wrong someone else of equal pain. which sucks, two wrongs don't make a right.
most frequently, i feel invisible. ignored. uncared for. like my presence is completely unnecessary and that no one seeks me out specifically. and these times only ever make me want to shut myself off completely; ignore them back. make them chase me for once.
i have always been the one chasing. i am always at fault for whatever problems arise in my friendships at the base level: i chased them, our friendship was initiated by me.
i don't remember the last time someone chose to befriend me first. if it's even happened at all. enough times to be called often, i have a friend who actively complains about being my friend. i spend my time around them, and as a joke (i think) they tell me they hate me and all sorts of things relating to not wanting me there. and i just sit there and take it, because they're my friend.
and this happens all the time. if there isn't an active negative push from a friend, they simply just do not look for me. usually i'm okay with that. usually i look for them, and we have a good time. but god do i want to be the one to receive the invitation. i'm always making them.
it just keeps getting worse.
clip of the day:
this is gmod. felix and samson are in the clip.
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